They Didn't Ask to Be Here.
So, real talk...When I was little I was a snot.
I remember when I was around 8 years old, my mom would tell me how "lucky" I was **insert eye rolling emoji**. The things that I got to do, the places I got to go, the things that I had...she reminded me constantly that a lot of kids weren’t as fortunate.
I eventually became so fed up with hearing those words that I finally found a comeback, a spoiled bratty mic drop, if you will 🎤...
“Well, I didn’t ask to be here.”
In other words,
“I didn’t ask to be born and placed on this earth. You made that decision, therefore it is your responsibility to give me a good life.”
Y’all....SHAKIN MY DAMN HEAD.
Looking back on it now, I don’t know how she refrained from popping me in my mouth because if one of my children said that to me, in the context that I said it...call CPS...matta fact, I’ll call them!
And don’t get me wrong my mom DID. NOT. PLAY. She wasn’t the kind of mom to make empty threats, she followed thru and I knew that. I respected her...rarely got in trouble, never missed curfew, followed all the rules...but occasionally the only child in me would make an appearance.
I used that little one liner a lot throughout my life...I’m talking, until I went to college.
You know when I REALLY stopped?
July 20th, 2012.
The birth of my first child.
Holy shit. Do you know how unbelievably humbling it is to spend 24 years of life doing exactly as you please, then all of a sudden having this little dude who gives no FUKS about what you WANT or NEED?
Even now...guys, I was so livid with my tiny terror this weekend. Whhyyyy must he wake up at 6 AM on a Saturday begging me for cereal? I didn’t know that it was humanly possible to feel that annoyed with another person. Oh but it is.
But in the midst of dragging myself out of bed, and pouring “Yucky Charms”, the humble fairy visited me...
It’s not his fault that he’s an early riser. It’s not his fault that you stayed up late. It’s not his fault that he is hungry. THEY DID NOT ASK TO BE HERE.
Oh man. That little one liner that I had felt so comfortable using for 20 years is working it’s way back around in a way that I hadn’t anticipated. Karma.
I want these little boys to have the world. And let me say, that that doesn’t mean giving them all the things and spoiling them rotten. It means giving them the tools to be independent, loving, respectful young men who are able to stand on their own upon adulthood.
It means finding a way to co parent and doing what’s in their best interest vs mine. Working to get to a point to where we can do this together because the boys deserve us both.
It means cutting out nail appointments for a month because they each want to play soccer annnnd t-ball, and realizing that what they gain from those activities is worth more than 30 minutes in the nail salon.
It means silencing my anxiety and taking the boys to a kids fair ALONE with thousands of families and just praying that I can keep up with them both.
But it also means self care. Taking the grown up vacation and not feeling guilty about it. Asking your parents to baby sit so you can go shopping. Getting the massage that you’ve been dying to get for six months but couldn’t seem to justify spending the money on.
When I take care of me, I'm taking care of them, and they have to be taken care of because...”they didn’t ask to be here.”
I know that I can be obnoxious when talking about “dreams” and “passions”, and quite frankly I don’t care lol. But I will say, that stems from having my kids and realizing how precious time is. It is so much more valuable than any tangible gift or dollar amount. I want more of it...I want more time with them. They won’t remember the things, they will remember the moments.
I love my boys. I mean, what’s a word that’s bigger than “love?” That’s what I feel for them. In some ways, I feel that they’ve raised me. They are single handedly the reason that I’ve grown up and I will never be able to thank them enough for that.
I want these little boys to have the best version of me. The woman who wakes every morning grateful even while groggy. Who’s more persistent and less petty (working on that one still 😏). And lastly, who is present.
I will show up for these little boys no matter how hard it is to do so, and everyday single day I will be here...because they didn’t ask to be.